Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer
Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
When the boogeyman goes to bed at night, he checks under the bed for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer, too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris shot the sherriff, but he did not shoot the deputy. He roundhouse kicked him in the face ... the sherriff got off easy.
Chuck Norris is the only man who could put humpty dumpty together again.
Ghosts are created by Chuck Norris killing people faster than death can process them.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity ... twice.
Chuck Norris' agent asked him if he wanted one of the lead roles in Brokeback Mountain, Chuck Norris' agent has been missing for almost 3 years now. Never ask Chuck Norris to be in a gay cowboy movie.
Jesus can walk on water, Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.
Chuck Norris could've built Rome in a day.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to see Chuck Norris, he roundhouse kicked Jack down and broke his crown, and threw Jill tumbling after.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were based on a true story. Chuck Norris once ate a baby turtle, and when he crapped it out, it was 6ft tall, weighed 225 lbs and had learned karate.
Chuck Norris can't shave with a normal razor because the blade dulls as soon it touches his beard, so he has to roundhouse kick himself in the face. The only thing that cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
Q: you know how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris?
A: All of it.
Yeah, seriously, they once tried to carve Chuck Norris' face into Mount Rushmore, but the granite wasn't hard enough for his beard...
Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...Fourty seven times.
Chuck Norris doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma.
Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
The opening scene in Saving Private Ryan was based on dodgeball games Chuck Norris played as a child.
Archaeologists have traced the extinction of the dinosaurs back to one single dinosaur, the ChuckNorrisaurus.
Chuck Norris' beard and Mr.T's mohawk once mated and the result was the King Kong remake.
Gene Simmons claims to have slept with over 4,600 women...Chuck Norris calls this a "Slow Tuesday"
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris' p3n1s has a Hemi.
Chuck Norris breastfeeds John Madden.
The story of Johnny Appleseed is based on Chuck Norris... except for the part about planting apple trees... and not raping men.
I once saw him roundhouse-kick Angela Lansbury.
Chuck was once in a Broadway production of The Delta Force, on opening night, Norris chloroforms the entire cast, and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours. The production got pretty good reviews.
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